Healed From Heartbreak:

How group therapy helped a widow recover from grief.

The following story was written by a woman who lost her husband and fell into depression and grief. She joined Senior Life Solutions, a group therapy program that helps older adults experiencing mental health challenges like depression, anxiety and grief.
(Warning: This story deals with thoughts of suicide. If that's a trigger for you do not read. If you're at risk for suicide consider calling 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or talking to a mental health professional. )

Healed From Heartbreak

After 51 years, eight months and 11 days of marriage, I lost the love of my life. I was okay for a few weeks, keeping busy and paying bills. All too soon those tasks were finished and the lonesomeness and deafening silence set in around me. The children called or came by, and as much as I love them, they could not fill the void of my loss.

It was hard to make decisions. I quit going to church and hid in the house unless I absolutely forced myself to go to the store. I use to cook, but T.V. dinners were now my norm. My daughters decided I should go for counseling, reminding met they had lost their dad and didn't want to lose me too. Reluctantly I want to a hospice group therapy. If my attitude had been better it might have helped. I quit after one session. Next, I tried one-on-one therapy. The therapist was 20 years younger than my youngest child. I decided after four sessions she didn't have a clue about what true love was and the loss I suffered. I quite that one too with never a look back. I decided I would be fine. Wrong!

I had an appointment with a V.A. service officer to fill out some paperwork. She asked me how I was doing, and I broke down and cried, spilling my anger and hurt out for the first time. When I calmed down she handed me a pamphlet on Senior Life Solutions, a new program starting close to where I lived. I called and made an appointment for the next day. After filling out the paperwork, I spoke with one of the therapists. After that I saw the psychiatrist and was accepted to the program. Then I found out they expected me to come three times a week.
As I drove way I thought, "I can't leave the house that often. I don't want to dress up. I like my pjs and sweat suits. If they want to help they can work on my time frame, that would be once a week, if I feel like it."

Can you see the anger I added to my sorrow?
Over the months after my husband's death I had gotten good at talking myself out of getting help. Now I was hanging on to the bottom of the rope. I called the Senior Life Solutions program and informed them I wouldn't be coming to the program because I wouldn't come three times a week. I wouldn't even listen, telling them, as I was crying, to remove me from the list. I didn't know she would talk to someone about me.

Meanwhile, I believed there was not help for me and decided my life was useless. I got a pad of paper and went to set in my easy chair. I wrote a goodbye letter to my children and loaded my pistol. The phone rang. Thinking it was one of the kids I put the gun down. When I answered the phone the introduced himself as John from Senior Life Solutions. He asked if I had a few minutes to talk. As my only plan that day was killing myself, I thought, "What does it matter?" I agreed to talk. I asked some questions and liked his answers. Mainly it was okay if I only came two times a week. This was a compromise for both of us. That call saved my life. I started the program that week.

What have I learned about grief?
First, I had been playing the "blame game." Why didn't I get someone to do the shopping instead of leaving my husband's side during his last days? I felt guilty if I even hung the wash on the close line in case he needed me. For months I cried, thinking I should have done more for him. I was in the medical field and he was my last patient. The doctor told me he wouldn't have lasted as long if I hadn't cred for him. It made no difference to me at the time.
Second, your thoughts can rule your life if you allow them to.
Third, don't should on myself. I should have this. I should have that. I filled in the blanks with hundreds of things I should have done.
Fourth, I'm not a Q-tip. That means quit taking it personally.
Fifth, I did the best I could at the time. It was hard for me to accept this and it took time.
Sixth, sometimes I have to fake it till I make it.
Seventh, my favorite, I don't have to be perfect to be a good person. Mistakes just happen.
Last, the handout "What causes grief" helped me. Because of the Senior Life Solutions program I have achieved the self-esteem I needed to face life and live again. I get dressed everyday and don't hide in the house. I've joined a gym and the senior center. I write in my journal, long letters to my husband. When I get ready for bed at night, I kiss his picture and say the words we said when we kissed, "I'll love you forever and a day. Goodnight sweetheart."

My husband was cremated and that was also my choice. My daughters and my oldest son know when that time comes my ashes will be mixed with their dad's. We will be scattered on our home place together again to fill our last destiny.

About Senior Life Solutions

Senior Life Solutions partners with critical access hospitals to provide outpatient therapy programs to older adults who are experiencing depression, anxiety or other mental health challenges, often associated with aging. Participants typically come to the hospital three times a week for health assessments, group therapy and medication management. Contact us to find out more about partnering with Senior Life Solutions.